Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My teenage children choosing violence
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”