Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
nyc:
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!