“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.