*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh