me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though