If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.