Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
You Might Also Like
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.