What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.