Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Dolls on drugs
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.