Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
my fav colour is also hitler
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
181.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.