[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
oppen heimer style lol
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.