[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
#Caturday
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
#titanic
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are