cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.