[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..