Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Feels like there should be a middle ground
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight