I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.