My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Yup.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.