Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Pot warmers of the day.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.