Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*