Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
You Might Also Like
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The booster protects against what, now?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes