[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out