when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
You Might Also Like
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Why font matters.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof