MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
i hate you platonically
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero