Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
the red hot silly peppers
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
😬
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.