HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Who knew!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
They must have gotten it to go.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day