“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
You Might Also Like
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
smh
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.