If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Every work call, he judges.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?