Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.