God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
thanksgiving in nutshell
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is