Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?