At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
crying
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor