Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers