Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.