Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
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My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck