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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Shower sex be like:
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes