It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi