Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Buck naked
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all