Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
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Worth the read.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i鈥檇 keep shit like that pretty vague
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i鈥檓 not near my phone.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If a snake ate a cake
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that鈥檚 a monkey鈥檚 name.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.