Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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Nice try, NASA
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.