*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???