Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
79.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.