Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU