opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives