Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I’m about to risk it all
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING