If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
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I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Kermit goes Blue.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
crazy
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.