Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.