Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
finally found a reasonable question
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
so much to do
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.