My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.