[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
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moms in horror movies
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…