A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
You Might Also Like
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA